Tuesday, November 30, 2010

My Day

I fell into a vat of acid the other day, but fortunately I had been through a twelve step
meditation program and emerged without a scratch. I hate when that happens!

What a day!

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Friday, November 19, 2010

Dangerous Farm Animals

The following information, IT could save your life!

Dangerous farm animals
Whats more dangerous, a Sheep, a Chicken, or a Donkey? This is a question nearly everyone has to ask themselves, and the answer, for all you stupid city people is the Chicken and the Donkey, the Sheep, well hes just plain stupid as we all know.

Every year more people are killed by donkeys then in plane crashes. Donkeys, with their big teeth and big ears are extreamly dangerous and should be avoided at all costs. Donkeys normally kill people by rolling on top of them (the horny bastards) and squashing them so they then become flat like pancakes.

Have you ever noticed the faster a chicken runs while making a book book noise or whatever noise a chicken makes, the faster it's head moves? Talk about evil!!!! Chickens also tend to attack gumboots with red on them! The second your in the same area as chickens with red gumboots they close in for the kill, before you know it hundreds of chickens are pecking at your gumboots trying to eat your feet. Pamela was attacked by chickens. One minute she was holding a chicken hostage, tormenting it, the next, she was running away from 10s of chickens flyig after her, she jumped a fence landed in cutting grass and had 10s of chickens pecking and biting at her legs!!!!!

Sheep, the fluffy white stupid things you see running around paddocks in the country. People are always commenting on their brains too "Sheep have a brain the size of a Pea" or "Sheep are so stupid, they have no brains!" It's only natural someone shall say this. Sheep are really fucking stupid things that dont listen! They also have brains, quite big ones seeing their heads are rather small. How do i know this? Well, we have Sheep brains sitting in our freezer (God only knows why, I think someone was planning on eatting them) They just don't use them, but it's probably becuase Sheep grow up around negative comments of their brains, so of course, its only natural for them to think "We dont have brains" before running off the edge of a cliff (89% of sheep die like that) Sheep in Scottland faint if you jump out at them, Scottish Sheep are highly jumpy and faint alot.

Well there you have it, the dangerous and stupid farm animals of New Zeland


Thursday, November 18, 2010

A Kafkaesque Grad Reunion in Vancouver

A Kafkaesque Grad Reunion in Vancouver

by Kevin R. Burns

The anticipation is almost nauseating as I head towards the golf club where my twenty year high
school reunion will take place. I am almost shaking. I try to do a meditation type breathing exercise to
calm myself but it doesn't work very well while walking. I enter the building and push three in the elevator.
The doors open and a retired Canada Customs clerk is the greeter for our class reunion.
"Your name?"
"Kevin Burns."
"Place of residence?"
"Purpose of visit?"
"Well, it's my class reunion."
"Class reunion eh, got anything to declare, any valuables, tobacco, firearms, things of that nature?"
"No, nothing."
"Will you be visiting a farm during your stay?"
"Yes tonight, and I ask the questions!"
"No sir."
"All right, have a good night and stay away from the garlic dip if you want to talk to any of your friends. Next!"

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