Monday, September 29, 2008

Applause for the Jerk Drain!

by: Kevin Burns

The Hidden Benefit of Canada's continuing brain drain

These days, Canadians often lament the brain drain. There is a silver lining however. What about the jerk drain? With every Air Canada plane load of brains departing Canadian shores, there are a gaggle of jerks amongst them. In a drunken slur they demand, "Get me another double honey!," on their flights to London, Tokyo, and Los Angeles. Good riddance I say! And I ask you, does Stats Canada keeps statistics on how many jerks are leaving Canada and annoying those poor helpless foreign folks abroad? Are those stats in English and French? Is the Canadian taxpayer saving money due to the flow of jerks abroad? Are any other countries exerting international pressure on Canada to stem the repugnant tide of jerks entering their nations? I have met many jerks while abroad, and I am proud to say that many have hailed from the Great White North. It may be the cold, harsh winters, or the rain of the coast, but we should be happy in knowing that we produce a lot of jerks-- for export.

I in fact live abroad. Just ask my poor suffering wife of 9 years. "He's a jerk!" states Ikumi. There you have it. I've been in Japan for over eleven years and I still butcher their language. My poor neighbours. I think some of them avoid me in embarassment--FOR ME. I always say Japanese is such a tough language to learn, but even my five year old can speak it better than I. Guilty as charged, I'm a jerk.

Take my brother--he's a lawyer. I could end it right there now couldn't I? Have you heard any good jokes lately?

... He's been out of Canada for years now, ridding the country of a thoroughly annoying person. This is the same guy who walks onto movie sets uninvited and gets paid to be an extra in the cocktail party shot. Sure he's interesting, but let's face it mom, dad, The Law Society; he's a jerk. I do love him though, oh there I go again, it's going all over my shoes! Wait...I'll get a tissue. Okay I'm back. Where was I? Oh yah...

Take the guy at the Thai beach hut resort, you know the really cheap ones. At these resorts they charge next to nothing for the hut, but hope you will eat and drink in their restaurant as that's how they make their money. Well, this jerk wasn't eating in the restaurant, and would only set foot in it to steal the sugars and creamers off the tables, then sneak back miserly to his hut to make his instant soup and coffee. He also stole the coconuts, another real no-no at beach resorts in general. This guy was the talk of the resort. My brother, you remember him right? He asked discriminatingly, "What part of America is that guy from?" "Vancouver," was the reply. Yep, another one of Canada's finest.

No don't knock the jerk drain. The UN has proclaimed Canada the most liveable nation on the planet for a few years now. I think it may be because we are relatively jerk free as compared to say America. The other thing is, when Canadian Jerks Abroad, (The CJA) act like jerks in London or Paris, no one thinks we're Canadians! We can't even tarnish Canada's image correctly! "Go back to America!" is what we frequently hear. I never correct them!

Kevin Burns

About The Author

Kevin Burns is a writer and entrepreneur from Vancouver, Canada. He can be found editing the following online magazines -- How to Teach English in Japan:

Japan Living:

Kevin's English Schools

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